love, daisies, and troubadours

Ode to The Twenty-Eight

2011-01-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

I hand you a pencil,
you bite off the eraser.
Please, keep your shoes on your feet, sir.

I ask you to find your seat,
into another desk you ram.
Please, put your lip gloss in your cubby, ma'am.

I say, "Push in your chairs!"
You growl like prowling grizzly bears.

I say, "Fold your hands!"
Your eyes begin to gaze into far off lands.

I say, "Voices off!"
Up, up, UP your voices loft.

Yet,

When you pull a hair off my shirt,
leave a love note on my desk when you see I am hurt..
Allow me to hug away your tears,
and encourage away any deep, dark fears..

I am filled with a sense of awe,
..even if I catch you in yet another pencil gnaw.

Bits and Pieces

2011-01-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

Feeling: All the grumbles of a Monday mashed with the chaos of a Tuesday. Muesday. Mmmhmm.

Smelling: Taco Bell. Hey, it is Muesday afterall.

Listening to: Joseph Arthur's "Honey and the Moon". This song has been my faithful companion for so long. Years, really. You know that song that immediately sends chills down your back and releases an uncontrollable "ahhhh, yes" with every repeated play? This would be mine.

Remembering: To breathe and breathe calmly when faced with the moans and groans and growls of those lovely seven-year-olds. Honestly? Change the ages to six-seven-eight and this just about sums it up.

Wishing that: It weren't too late for coffee. Actually, define late. Muesday, Betsy. Muesday.
[If you think I didn't leave my computer after that previous thought, you're terribly mistaken]

Looking forward to: Spending some time Downtown on Friday with an old friend. yummyfoodandartandmusicohmy!

Thankful for: 1. Remembering to buy myself a delightful bundle of crisp, fresh flowers. 2. The growth my kids are making academically. 3. Those working tirelessly on behalf of this. 4. A solid night's sleep. 5. These beautiful ladies who consistently enrich my world.

Riviting

2011-01-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

First week back.

Success.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, or why it happened, but I am sure of this: If this week hadn't have gone well, I'm fairly certain I would have been on the next flight out to Alaska. Alaska, people.

The first week back after any extensive break is always pivotal. Pivot to the left and you're good as dead for the remainder of the year. Pivot to the right? You're feared, respected, golden.

I pivoted to the right. Thank the GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY I actually felt feared this week! I have yet to feel that from our class as a whole, so I'm choosing to bask in the success. The most excellent thing about seven-year-olds [aside from the fact that most are still shorter than me]? They rarely hold grudges. Two hugs are delivered for every grown, every grunt, and [of course], every tear.

Who knew that daily "Awesome Kids of the Day" Ceremonies had powers to transform? I didn't. My life has been forever changed.

Nutshell.

2011-01-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

Mildly wishing I had been awake an hour earlier to catch the clock at 11:11 on 1/1/11. So glad I still have a chance [assuming I can stay awake amidst my all-consuming need to regain my sleep schedule].

As 2010 drew near to its close, I had a few options lying before me. Among them, in no particular order of desire: spending time with family, a close-knit gathering of close friends, an evening of sparkly shenanigans...

This year has been one for the books [quite literally]. I've loved and lost, succeeded and failed [miserably], regularly weaved my way through three states, flew more times than my credited miles account for [ooops], gained teaching certification in 2 states, been fingerprinted twice [also in 2 states], interviewed my little heart out, taught my little heart out, cried my little heart out, drank coffee like it was my job [wish it was], dyed my hair, moved home, overcame my fear of bees, became a cat person, became a morning person [slightly disturbing], discovered boxed wine, learned how to dougie, and encountered the true meaning of the phrase "money does not bring happiness" [nor does job security, full-coverage benefits, or a 7-7 job, but I'll save that for another time].

With all this and more in mind, I chose to do the "NYE UNTHINKABLE". I stayed in. Alone. By myself.

Armed with Netflix, a carefully planned and prepared homemade dinner, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, comfy socks, pen and paper, hot chocolate, chocolate, and fresh flowers [bought by and for myself, thank you very much], I took the leap and denied all resounding desires to dance and laugh my way into the new year. This took courage.

Reflection, meditation, and I have always been three peas in a pod [up until September, that is]. Regardless of how nerve-racking it can be [I have a dangerous mind], I've missed this. You have to take time to examine where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with. A simple enough notion that I've completely neglected in these last few months. To say that I've been a robot is putting it rather lightly. I've never felt like less of myself.

A friend once advised me that to be happy - to reach a state of holistic fulfillment and peace - we can't focus on what reality always tells us. What does reality tell you? Last spring, reality whispered these little words in my ear - money, job security, full-coverage benefits, and a 7-7 job. By reality I don't mean the reality of responsibility. I mean the reality of the world - that your heart and soul mean nothing in the scheme of life, the ladder of success, and all that drives and provides our worldly possessions We have to listen to what reality tells us, but when reality begins stripping away every beautiful layer of your heart, it's time to run like hell.

I wouldn't say that I'm running. I'm not interested in running. I am, however, interested in getting as far away from the lies of the world as possible in my quest to reclaim the passion that once stood boldly at the forefront of my very being. Wow that was intense. Thank you, coffee.

What I'm saying is that I'd like to get back a piece of me that I feel I've lost.

Since I haven't had much time with my ever-faithful friends, Reflection and Meditation, I thought I'd invite them back in for a night.

If you're one to do so, please keep me in prayer. This school year has been a good one and I plan to finish it out strong; however, I'm sensing a change of direction in the months ahead. Terrifyingly necessary.

I know it's easy for some to weave through "The Roaring Twenties" fresh-faced and unharmed. I, of course, am on the path with blistered feet and tired eyes. I take comfort in the fact that lessons learned are unavoidably placed and that, simply put, I'm not alone.

Good morning, Saturday.

2010-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

Please excuse me while I seep into a lovely haze of inspiration.

As you may or may not know, I have a little "thing" for DIY projects. Art and me were never one in the same; however, I cherish the beauty and truth in creatively tackling life's little expressions. Anything handmade. Gifts, cards, wall-hangings, clothes, jewelry...I adore it all. I support local artists and, although slightly time-deprived, have been known to crank out a few projects myself [alright, 'a few' may be a slight understatement].

So, in the spirit of celebration I'd like to share my most recent bits of inspiration. Prepare yourself.

I love love LOVE the garland.

I would also want to try this with antique mason jars.

The wall-flowers. All I'm sayin'.

I may or may not have a slight obsession with anything chalkboard. But seriously, how incredible is this? I thought so too.

My favorite piece of jewelry is an antique piece of silverware bent into the shape of a ring - I love when silverware is recycled and used to serve other [equally beautiful] purposes. Hello, genius.

There's an amazing little gourmet ice cream shop in Columbus, OH - Jeni's Ice Cream, that has a handmade flag banner hanging on their ceiling, much like that on this card. Love. [Check out the flavors listed on their website - Sweet Potato with Torched Mushrooms? Riesling Poached Pear? YES PLEASE.]

For as long as I can remember, I've had an extreme love of all things snowflake. When I was little, all my mom would need to do to keep me occupied in the winter months was throw some hot chocolate, scrap white paper, and scissors in front of me. Hours, I'm telling you. This, this would be a snowflaker's dream.

Cozy.

Now, if you'll excuse me while I go track down some yarn, hot glue, and a couple of mason jars.

8 Mile, Vaulted Ceilings, and Saxophones

2010-11-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

Born and raised in Detroit. Love Detroit. Well, love/hate relationship would be more accurate, I suppose. Connection is what it is. At any rate, the Detroit I know is by far significantly different from the Detroit most others know. The interesting thing is that each person knows it to be something different. Crime, poverty, segregation, sports, mo-town, industry, culture..

When I was little, my dad used to take us to Belle Isle, a non-residential island in the Detroit River, armed with apples and an old shopping bag of air-popped popcorn, ready to feed the ducks and deer. We'd walk the River Walk at the fireworks, ride the People Mover on game days, take family pictures outside the DIA, and anxiously await the first glimpse of buildings when driving south on Gratiot. Detroit, especially Downtown, was like magic.

It goes without saying that Detroit has shown me a whole new side of itself.

Last night was the first time I ventured south of 8 Mile to experience the "Downtown Scene", coincidentally on the biggest bar night of the year. Lovely.

I chose to drive [draw your own conclusions here], which [fortunately] gave me a truly authentic experience. Lovely, indeed.

Having spent some time in Chicago and New York, I was anxious to see my Detroit in the same light. WAS NOT disappointed.

The Park Bar had AMAZING Mediterranean food - hummus, shawarmas, oil and vinegar salad with cucumbers and feta and..my oh my.

Grand Trunk Pub offered the perfect mix of rich history, breathtaking architecture, and local brews. Beauty.

Aaand of course, my first jazz bar. Cliff Bells was fantastic - classy and casual. Incredibly low-key. I fell in love here.

This will most likely be the first and last time I talk about a scene on here, but MAAN was it hard to resist. I finally feel like a local - pretty sure that alone is deserving of a high five.

tuesday thoughts

2010-11-23T04:07:00.001-08:00

...Lord am I thine? art thou, Lord, mine? So rich!
How doth thy Wealthy bliss branch out thy sweets
Through all things Present? These the Vent-holes which
Let out those Ravishing Joys our Souls to greet?
Impower my Powers sweet Lord till up they raise
My 'Fections that thy glory on them blaze...

-Edward Taylor, Things Present

I want to bake some cookies.

2010-11-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Saturday night!

I am thrilled to say that today has been a true day of rest. Lounging and [need I even say it?] napping in some leggings and cozy socks has been beyond blissful.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away - A truth I had nearly forgotten about until I was asked whether or not I'd be attending Detroit's Thanksgiving Day Parade [Hot chocolate, chunky scarf, and Santa? Yes, please.]. So, in the spirit of all things delicious and lovely, I'd like to take a moment and remember a few of the manymanymany things I have been blessed with.

My Sister. The friendship that we have is beautiful and, to be honest, I'm often in awe of it.

My beautiful, patient, selfless mom. This woman has the most precious heart.

Lemon-Scented Hand Lotion. Mmmmm.

Hot Cocoa-Scented Bubble Bath. I'll say it again..Mmmmmmm.

Boxed Wine. No explanation needed.

Christmas Lights. They're heart-warming and classic and they symbolize everything I love about my childhood.

Dove Chocolate Wrappers. I find myself eating chocolate when I need a little boost to my mood. Props to you, Dove, for knowing this and being one step ahead of the game. My favorite recent wrapper? "When two hearts race, both win"

Laughter. It's healing in so many ways.

My Vintage License Plate Collection. I have 8. Only 8. But that's OK because there's something beautiful about taking a lifetime to discover little bits of history.

Culture. Our differences are poetic - language, religion, dress, music, art, food, dance - I cannot wait to have the chance to devote more time to discovering the beauty in cultures different from my own.

Marvin the Mouse [and all those involved in making his journey a reality]. He puts smiles on my kids' faces, and for that I am immensely thankful.

My Dream. He has kept the fire burning since I was 16. Rather incredible that I'm not there yet, but it won't be long.

My 28. They hurt, frustrate, confuse, test, and warm me daily. They are who they are, and I love them.

Love. Hope. Authenticity. Faith. Struggle. Peace. Grace. Generosity. Harmony. Provision. Chance. Life.

When did I become a morning person?

2010-11-11T05:07:00.000-08:00

November. It's NovemberI'tsNovemberIt'sNovember.

I woke up this morning, a morning on which I'm headed to a conference (leaving my kids with a sub - AH), to a phone call from my teammate informing me that the school is closed today. Thank you, shot transformer, for the blessing in disguise. Sure, I would have had the day off too, but MAN the joy in knowing that my kids won't shoot that sub's brains out is INCREDIBLE.

Everyday I'm told the same thing -
"Man, you have a tough bunch."
"Those kids are just [insert various synonyms for 'ridiculous' here]."
"Why would they stick you with the roughest group?"
"You have your hands full!"
.....and my personal favorite.....
"Whew! Glad I'm not in your shoes!"

It says something when I went back to my desk the other day to find a folded up note from a student to me that said simply, "Wonder Woman".

I think it's safe to say that I've never, never ever, been in this position before. I've never felt so stretched, so challenged. I love my kids, but when you have 4 that are considered "severely emotionally and socially unstable", it's painful to say the least. Every day, every moment, is a brand new one. I'm finding myself constantly having to remind myself to breathe. I've figured out how to control each of the four individually and the class as a whole without one or more of them, but when all 28 are present - it's a complete toss-up. One moment might be awesome, the next a disaster when one of my 4 has a meltdown over another student accidentally touching his arm. Meltdown times are angry times. Tears, screams, grunts, stomps...

I can say this - If I wasn't being encouraged regularly by my administration with praise for the "amazing, incredible, rockstar" job I'm doing, I can guarantee I wouldn't be here. That's the other thing - I'm not doing an amazing, incredible, rockstar job. I don't see it in myself, and I certainly do not feel it at the end of the day. Somehow they're seeing it, though, and that tells me one thing - I'm not the one controlling that room. God's mysteries never cease.

I wish I had blogged more - I have so much to say. Good therapy, too. I don't know. This is just a snapshot of what's going on in my mind - the next thing being whether or not to continue on in Detroit or move forward in pursuit of the passion I still have for somewhere else. I can say this - if I can survive this year, I can survive anything.

On some good notes:

I'm doing a project with my kids where I send out our friend, Marvin [a stuffed mouse], on a journey around the world to learn about various places. He's been to Tennessee and is currently in NYC, heading next to the Dominican Republic over the holiday. I am LOVING it, and PRAISE GOD so are the kids! It's bonding them, which I'm telling you they need desperately. Such a beautiful thing. Anyways, I'm thankful to those that are welcoming Marvin in - It's incredible to know I have such warm friends, willing to help out so selflessly.

With that, my kids are getting pen pals...

....from NEW YORK CITY!

I found a 2nd grade class in Brooklyn in the same network of schools as ours that is willing to team up for the year. Again, anything to bond those kids and give them some added excitement for life.

disappear into the haze

2010-09-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

Our ladies.

...and our gentlemen.

See our school's newest project here - they were SO incredibly excited to see these things!

timers, cough drops, and Coolio

2010-09-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

Day 1: Survival.
Day 2: For better or for worse.
Day 3: Hell.
Day 4: .....Glory!

As I sit reflecting on my first official week as a lead teacher, I find myself asking one very significant and crucial question:

Why, oh dear Lord WHY, did I deny myself COFFEE this week? Seriously, Betsy? Your first week teaching and you reeeallyy think it wise to ignore the mug and pot? This just gives you a glimpse into my utter lack of acknowledging all things sane and rational this week. My mind has been a dangerous place. Coolio would be proud.

I really don't even know where to begin. Against my initial thoughts and understandings, I'm right where I'm supposed to be and I see that so intensely in the eyes of each of the 28 seven-year-olds surrounding me. Whether they're a deer in headlights or gripping my waist in admiration with eyes that scream "Please love me!", they've already captured my heart in ways I never dreamt possible. It's an odd feeling - being face to face with your dream come alive.

The culture is certainly different - I am the minority (28:1) - Significant only in that it requires an increased level of empathy and wisdom to say and do what will ultimately meet their specific needs. [Case in point: While waiting for pick-ups at dismissal, the appropriate "filler game" would NOT be Simon Says, but rather a dance-off to the beat of the bass bumpin' down the street.]

I'm learning to keep it simple. To hug and hug often. Patience. To welcome each day with a smile. To set a timer. To pick and choose your battles. Ebonics. And to always, always have cough drops, water, and chap stick on hand.

One day at a time. Looking forward to an enlightening and fruitful week 2.

2010-07-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Our class costume trunk. Awesome? I think so.

Equally as awesome would be the below items which have also found their way into my anxious little paws:

1. Two Abnormally Small Children's Chairs
2. Large Inflatable Geometric Shapes
3. Fica Tree
4. Abe Lincoln Hat. And beard.
5. Sombrero

I should really start sticking to a budget.

Grammas, Power, and Doggy Tails

2010-07-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Right now,
Everything you want is wrong.
And right now,
All your dreams are waking up.
-- Joseph Arthur, Honey and the Moon

Feeling like I'm at a point in my journey where I need to stop and do some serious reflecting. It's been awhile.

This past week, my sister and I, along with some of our closest family members, spent some time up north for a traditional and annual family getaway. Much needed on many, many levels. So much so that I hadn't even realized how badly I needed a few moments simply to breathe - A vital gift I have been taking for granted.

One morning, while chatting with my Gramma over morning coffee (I'm convinced that no member in my family can make a bad cup of coffee. ever), I found myself trying to hold back tears while topping off my cup. The sun was shining, I had gotten a beautiful nights sleep, a day of boating was ahead, my bangs were looking awesome...why the tears? Well, leave it to the women in my life to say exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. '

What I got from that wise woman that morning is this - In these last three years, I've seen nothing but change. Every external area of my life, by choice and by force, has changed dramatically, quickly and repeatedly. When extreme life change happens to you, it's easy to forget about it once you're in the swing of new forces, especially when others take the central focus over your own needs. Story of my life.

#1. Changes. Constant, uncontrollable changes have been throwing me around like a leaf. Or a puck on an ice rink.

I'm not going to lie and pretend like it's easy for me to talk about leaving New York, my dream, behind. I don't expect anyone to understand the significance of that in my life - I'm only beginning to understand it now. New York has a very powerful force over me - a force I think only a few understand. I can joke about rebounding on NY with Kentucky, putting NY in time out for not letting go of me, and toasting NY to seven long years of exhausting joy and hope, but I'm not joking when I say that it's been hard to leave. My heart sinks when I think of how close I was, and when I remember what I left behind. A dream. To this day, if someone asks me what I want, my answer is the same as it was 3,4,5 years ago - I want to be in New York. I want it more now than I ever have (this past year has proven that to me). What I've learned is this - the answer is never that simple. What I want is of little importance and, in this case, what I want is very clearly "wrong".

#2. What I want. What I want is to never, ever give up on the dream God has laid before me. To never, ever let weaken that passion He has so abruptly and painfully burned on my heart.

What I want and what I need to do usually coincide. Very simple, no complications. In this case, however, I've seen an evolution of want to need that has severely impacted my life. For a very long time, the passion that I had for inner-city work coincided with NY. The two were inseparable [when I say inseparable, I mean no other option could even be considered]. Leave it to the Lord to separate something inseparable.

Eventually, I grew to understand my God-given passion to be centrally focused on cities [joblessness, illness, homelessness, high crime, addiction, vicious cycles, generational poverty...], and less on a specific region. You can imagine what this did to my perfectly organized and color-coded plan.

What I wanted was to go to NY. What I needed was to follow the Lord's whispers and trust that He would use my passion where He deemed necessary.

#3. The dream. To live a life of service unto others by unconditionally and actively loving those in the inner-city, be it the city I love, the city I was trained in, or city in which my roots were grown. A city is a city, and love wears no masks.

Detroit. Tricky fellow that God. If you want to chase something other than God's purpose you might as well be chasing after your own, nonexistent tail because that's about as far as you're going to get - vicious circles.

All this to say, for now I rest in peace knowing that I'm where I need to be. I still believe very fervently that my passion for NY also has purpose, a very strong purpose, but timing is everything, eh?

Until then, DETROIT. Whew!

View Larger Map

I should take a screen shot to show you my lists. They're colorful.

The first week in August I'll be up in Grand Rapids for a week-long orientation. It's nice - while we're there, we have the option of venturing out on 3 different 'excursions' in the evenings to bond and kill time - A White Caps game, a trip to a local conservatory, and an evening in Grand Haven enjoying the lake and [I believe] Coast Guard festival. I'm anxious to get to know some other new hires, my administration, and the system. I believe our planning will officially begin a week or so after the orientation. Photos to come.

Many, many, many many photos to come.

randomosity at its finest

2010-07-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

- I'm home. Officially home. It may be awhile before I'm able to debrief on the year...it really was a ginormous strain on my emotions (stress+pain as I so enthusiastically connected today). Give me another year and we'll see how I feel about it. Truth be told, I could write a book.

- Again, HOME. Unpacking has been horrendous, as I'm sure it is pre-destined to be. Since I'll be living at home for a bit while I transition into teaching, I thought I ought to tackle the piece of me I've treasured and held close for as long as I've been away from it - my bedroom. My bedroom. I LOVE my bedroom. The lighting is perfect. The smell is perfect. My BED is perfect. Goodness, how I've missed it. Problem? Relatively certain I was bustin' it to N'Sync when I last painted it. Serious problem, actually. Before I can paint, however, I need to clean. Before I can clean, I need to unpack. Before I can unpack, I need to pitch...I don't think I'm doing justice to the viciousness of this cycle...

- I've always been thankful for friendship. Not hard to do. I do think, however, that it's incredibly easy to take for granted. We all learn this little tid-bit at different stages in our lives; however, I happen to be learning mine as I speak - transitioning into new social circles and making new friends is HARD! I have my friends. Overwhelmingly great friends, actually. We've connected, bonded over years of laughter, tears, trials and joys. It isn't that we don't want new friends, right? It's just that we don't foresee ourselves melding well in a new "circle" when we already have our own beautifully crafted one, even if it does stretch across the country and into the Caribbean! I'm so thrilled to meet new people, but I miss MY people.

I really thought I had more energy to put into this. Shucks.

Salt

2010-06-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

137 days.

137 days until bustling leaves. Crisp breezes. The smell of heat beginning to warm our fingers and toes. Candy wrappers and pillow cases. Hocus Pocus and the Monster Mash. 137 days.

137 days until I, Elizabeth Ann Morton, get to fulfill a lifelong dream (along with my other, equally deserving half), of truly living up to my name.

137 days until this becomes a reality.

The dress, the shoes, and the buttons are waiting for me back in Michigan.

COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED.

Grape Juice

2010-06-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

"This bridge will only take you halfway there
To those mysterious lands you long to see:
Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs,
And moonlit woods where unicorns run free.
So come and walk awhile with me and share
The twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known.
But this bridge will only take you halfway there-
The last few steps you'll have to take alone"

- The Bridge, Shel Silverstein

Goodness, I've been hired! Detroit Enterprise Academy, a National Heritage Academy in Detroit, has brought me on as one of their 2nd grade teachers for the upcoming school year! They initially hired me in with a 5th grade position, but they've since moved me down (much MUCH to my surprise and, of course, excitement considering this!)

I am ECSTATIC. I'm not even sure if that adequately depicts my current state of emotion. Multiply it by a couple hundreds.

At any rate, I feel like one of those European grape stomping ladies - knee deep in planning with one incredibly goofy smile on my face.

Keeping Up With The Canyoudrivethekids.

2010-05-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

Nanny. Sitter. Au Pair.
Housekeeper. Cook. Driver. Laundress. Personal Shopper.
Need I continue?

In light of the above generalization, I now share with you that which keeps said 'hired help' sane.

Sight Seeing.

Bubble Tea.

Magnolia.

Sangria.

and last, but certainly NOT least, COFFEE.

I LOVE...

2010-05-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

Detroit, and its people. Especially its people. I couldn't be more excited to come home.

Thought I should throw that in there :)

The Motor City, Secret Rendezvous, and a Time-Out Chair

2010-05-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I fly home for my final round of interviews. I'll be spending 2 full days at one school (one day in a 2nd/3rd grade class and the other in 7th/8th reading), shadowing in the morning and teaching in the afternoon. On the third day I'll be teaching a sample lesson to a Kindergarten class at the 2nd school. I feel as much as can be expected: anxious, excited, nervous...

I have my Kindergarten lesson planned and ready to go. The first school, however, has yet to give me any details regarding subject components or even specific grade targets (I could be in either 2nd or 3rd)...not that this has discouraged me (I'm actually leaning towards this school). Hello, last-minute planning. It's nice to see you again.

Detroit was never, ever my plan - at least not initially. I always figured I would come back to Detroit after spending some time in a more diversely urban setting (Chicago, New York). It isn't that New York wouldn't have worked out for next year, I'm just sensing that it wouldn't be the best for me at this point. I'm not quite equipped with the things (resources, finances, knowledge) I would need to be successful in New York. Of course faith, hard work and passion would carry me a long way, but what it comes down to is that it isn't about me and what I can do - it's about doing what's best for those around me. If I stayed in New York, I wouldn't be able to give to the extent that I had always wanted to. It isn't about the buildings, the culture, the history, the environment...while I love ALL of that, my focus needed to shift. If my focus is what I've claimed it to be, then it shouldn't matter where I am. It does matter, but it shouldn't to the extent that I've held it.

It's so hard being in the city, knowing that I've come so far only to turn back around and return to the original starting point. Melissa and I were in yesterday and, I'm telling you, I still haven't made peace with it. My mind and heart knows what's best and where I'm being called to go, but it's as if my heart is having a secret rendezvous with the city while my mind isn't looking! Risky little thing. I was 17 when I first proclaimed, loud and proud, that NYC would be my future home. That's 7 years of planning, dreaming and scheming to sort through. I guess I can forgive my heart for hanging on to something so tightly. I still think it needs a time out, though.

Here's to hoping I hear from principal 1 today regarding tomorrow's details. I can't be held responsible for what might happen if don't have adequate list-making time.

untitled

2010-03-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

grasping high the dream,

failing not the action which

takes winding winds through

unwoven caves of hidden hurt.

untold fear and unkept force caving

in the heat of blinding bliss.

lights dreamt anew

lacking forward disregard for

pleasant times.

pleasing whom, but i?

10 minutes or less

2010-03-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

Currently...

Eating: Noodles and butter. Yum.

Waiting for: The wash cycle to finish.

Anticipating: Movie night with Melissa. I'ma comin', Gerard!

Thankful for: Electricity. God's provisions. Opportunity.

Listening to: Birds chirping a playful tune.

Wearing: T-shirt, ripped AE jeans (the best ever created, I'm convinced), and FLIP FLOPS. Oh, oh yes.

Welcome home, Spring :)

ode to electricity

2010-03-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

you flick the switch,

plug it in,

in a blink of an eye, the world is lit again.

curling irons, toasters,

microwaves, roasters,

water pumps, phone chargers,

heat, ceiling fans, humidifiers.

what to do, when the power bids adew?

trees fallen on lines, fallen wires wasting my time.

i miss you, twinkle lights, and the glow you give my night.

and you, stove top, i will run back to you with a skip and a hop.

never again will i complain,

of a broken light bulb and it's ensuing emotional pain.

it's amazing how something as small as a 6-day power outage caused by hurricane-force winds can humble you to the mass chaos and tragedy so many others are facing weeks and years after disaster strikes. i have nothing, nothing to complain about.

Currently

2010-01-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Reading and rereading my essay questions, resume, philosophy, etc. etc.

Listening to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory and wondering how I still remember every word, from start to finish.

Watching Lost, Season 2. We have a love/hate relationship going.

Cooking cookies! Homemade chocolate chip.

Wearing yoga pants and an H&M hoodie. I don't "do" yoga and the hoodie is actually Holly's (ssh!), but both are the most comfortable I have ever worn. Ever.

Wishing I could bring Holly back to the city.

Thinking about lighting some candles.

Craving Cinnabons and Slurpees.

Digging my new haircut. Seriously.

Excited for SPRING and, of course, suma-suma-sumatime!

Laughing at my inability to do a proper load of laundry and the irony that the color blue holds therein.

Hoping for a relaxing Friday.

Annoyed by the fact that every bone in my body aches. 80 year old man here...

Loving my to-do list. It's a strange, strange thing.

Regretting not grabbing a glass of milk to go with my cookies.

Thankful for peace.

Doris Day

2010-01-28T17:23:00.000-08:00

Que Sera Sera.

Stalking, Toy Stores, and Doggie Parks

2010-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Melissa had a hot date in the city today so, of course, I join her for a little moral support and some gold, old-fashioned stalking. Aside from the rain (which, I am learning, does not have mercy on the short hair), the day was pretty spectacular! (I'll let you decide whether that can be said for her, myself, or the both of us).

While Melissa went to join her fella for an afternoon brunch, I made my way over to H&M in search of some teacher/interview clothes. Goodness gracious did I have luck! A little tooooo much luck, if you ask me. (I may or may not have went on a toy store spree last week in the city, as well. No shame.)

Thanks to Google Maps, I discovered that the one building I have always, ALWAYS, wanted to get up-close and personal with was only a few blocks from the area I was in. You think I was excited? While Melissa was still wining (Sorry, Melissa!) and dining with her date, I decided to go on one of my own. I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Flatiron - reason # 685 why I love this city (and probably why I'm single).

The first time seeing my favorite building. It was love at first sight.

Pretty sure my breath caught in my chest.

We had a great time getting to know one another.

Such a beautiful thing. I'm a big fan of that neighborhood, Union Square, and of these cozy little places:

Dinosaur Hill, East Village

Enchanted Toys, Upper East Side

And I leave you with this:

I would LOVE to have a dog in the city, for this very reason: Taking her to doggie parks :)

Making Apple Pie

2010-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

The other day I went back to some of my old blogs, back to the days of MySpace, Xanga, and dare I say it? LiveJournal. Oh yes, I went there. What in the world was I thinking?

I've always known that I've had a bit of a problem with confusing the line between idealism and reality, but MAN! This is all I can say: I'm relatively certain that 96% of my posts mentioned New York City. Ahmm. Normally I wouldn't spend time writing about this, but when I discovered that it was roughly 7 years ago that New York first seeped its way into my head, I couldn't resist commenting on it. 7 years is a long, long time. So, here is a little something I would like to dedicate to my faithful, old friend. My friend that kept me motivated, encouraged, confused, frustrated, and sleep-deprived. My friend that emptied my already-small wallet, cluttered my brain with useless facts, and likely convinced my closest loved ones of my insanity.

Here's to you, New York City, for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. I leave you with this:

New York, New York

To you, I pop the cork.

You've been faithful, kind

To you, I once dedicated my mind.

Times, they change

My sights are seeing a new range.

Fear not, sweet Apple

For you will always be on my map-ple.

Close to my heart, you will always be

On your streets is where I once found the key.

Years and years, you have been

A goal, a dream, a trusted friend.

Will I ever pay your outrageous rent?

A pretty-penny on Metrocards spent?

Perhaps, maybe, someday,

I will venture to move across the Bay.

But, until then, I will see you Monday.

I had a dream last night.

2009-11-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dusting: To dream that you are dusting symbolizes that you are clearing out all your past mistakes and starting fresh on a new slate.

Antique Furniture: To dream of antiques represents your time honored values, tradition, wisdom and inherited personal characteristics. It symbolizes something genuine or proven. Some things in your past are worth holding onto or worth keeping.

Islands: To dream that you are stranded on an island suggests that you need to get away from the demands of your daily life. Or perhaps you are running away from a situation instead of trying to confront it. Alternatively, you may feel cut off from society. You are in a rut and do not quite know what to do with your life.

Sharing: To dream that you are sharing something symbolizes your generosity toward others. Perhaps you need to be more generous with your feelings. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for the "shares" you have in the life. You are expressing concern over your finances.

Rushing: To dream that you are in a hurry suggests that you may be unprepared for a situation. There is a lack in your planning of things. Alternatively, you may be feeling out of place. This dream may also be a literal reflection of your daily life where you feel that you are always in a rush and that there is not enough time to do all the things you want to do. The dream may occur due to this type of stress.

Well, this is interesting (but not surprising).

My stomach is growling.

2009-09-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

It's probably about time I update this guy.

Here's the thing - I'm still somewhat in this whirlwind of transition, so I'm finding that the details are still kind of hazy.

In general, everything has been going better than expected. I don't want to go too in depth, but all in all, the Foster's are great. They respect and appreciate me to the point that they're going out of their way, on a regular basis, to bridge me with connections that could help my teaching career next year. They treat me like the teacher I am, and value my knowledge and input to an incredibly high degree. They're genuinely nice people, and I'm thankful that we have such an open, honest relationship going.

The kids are...kids. The oldest, Elizabeth (13), is a typical pre-teen and has an incredibly sweet heart. The youngest, Katharine (9), is active and sporty, yet still manages to be alllll girl. She's adorable. Then, of course, there's Wells (11). He has a diagnosis that puts him on the Autism spectrum; therefore, life in the Foster house is always a bit interesting. He's a sweet kid with a lot of passion - very intelligent and perceptive. It's been great experience, even after only a few weeks, working with Wells individually, as well as within the dynamic of his relationships with others (especially his sisters). Patience, time management, conflict resolution, problem solving...These are things I could never learn enough about. Anyways, the good moments are outweighing the bad :)

One of my first nights here, Melissa and I met some of her friends for a barbecue on a beach a few towns over. When we walked up to the spot where we were going to sit, we noticed that, across the water (the Long Island Sound), the New York City skyline was visible. I can't explain what I felt - It was just so incredibly strange. I wasn't there, I was here. I wasn't beneath the buildings, I was beneath the trees. I wasn't in my comfort zone. Instead, I was in a place where objects are things to be desired, and status is something to be gained. I was frustrated and terribly sad. Hurt. What had I allowed myself to do? Why had I chosen to be here, and not there? No one could have thought me a bigger hypocrite than myself.

It's really hard for me to balance this passion of mine with what I feel I am being lead to do. My heart aches to be in a certain environment, yet I couldn't be more far from it at this point. And yet, I'm here with complete peace. Complete peace. I rest assured that I'm hear for a reason or two, and that becomes more apparent to me with each passing day. You wouldn't guess it, but this truly is the strangest thing that's ever happened to me.

With that said, I'm learning. I'm learning how to accept what I'm given with a grateful heart, and to do so with the understanding that there is a time and reason for things that, God forbid, I may not understand at the time. Sounds simple enough, but I think it's so easy to say we've gotten things mastered when, in all reality, the knowledge has never been tested. We like to think we're smarter than we really are, don't we? Try getting hit with a death in the family, divorce, illness, a deviation from the "Five Year Plan". We're not as strong as we think we are, either. If we were, where would be the need for reliance? At the same time, though, we've all got a strength in us that exists unconditionally. A beautiful paradox.

I'm rambling at this point, but I can say one thing - I never, in my life, have felt a deeper desire to be submerged in urban ministry and teaching than I do at this very moment.

By the way, how exciting is it that fall is here? Pumpkins, orange Mums, falling leaves, apple cider, cinnamon coffee cake candles, sweaters and hoodies, the smell of the heat in your car...so great.

Ink

2009-08-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

Tattoo #2 (as I so fondly refer to it as), is in the works! I have a general idea of what I am looking to get and its location; however, the exact details are TBD. I could sit here and chronicle how meaningful and personal Tattoo #2 (like my first) will be to me; however, words probably could not do it justice (that, and there's beauty in symbolism and I appreciate holding some meanings on a personal level).

Below are some of my ideas and inspirations.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
- The Beatles

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,and never stops at all.
- Emily Dickinson

Love is anterior to life,
posterior to death,
initial of creation,
and the exponent of breath.
- Emily Dickinson

Each verse has a unique take on the meaning I would like to capture. We shall see.

100 Piece Cookie Cutter Set and Peanuts

2009-08-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

Two incredibly blog-worthy moments happened to me today. They are as follows:

1. While browsing the shelves of a local thrift store (props to you, thrift stores, for your consistent support and supply to crafters and creative minds everywhere), I stumbled upon a find unlike any other. After passing through seas of silverware and fields of frames, the "find-to-end-all-finds" was there, glowing like a nugget of pure gold. What was it? What was this "find-of a century"? A boxed 100 piece cookie cutter set. Two words: Preschoolers and Play-Dough. Alright, I guess that's three.

2. [Clears Throat] I am officially a registered student at Bank Street College, Graduate School of Education. You know how I know?
Username: 234503
Password: It's a secret.
I also know that students, under no circumstances, are allowed to bring any nut products onto the Bank Street premises due to severe nut allergies. Insider information.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am.

Connecticut

2009-08-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --"

Well, I received direction for the upcoming year - just not the direction that I had initially anticipated. And why should this surprise me?

To say that this decision was a difficult one would be an understatement, as would be saying that describing it to people hasn't been the easiest task.

A great deal of thought, prayer, and time has gone into my plans for the next 12 months. I could (and will, if requested) go into the deeply rooted details; however, for blogging purposes I will choose to stay simple and to the point - A challenge, but one I should be up for!

On September 6th I will be leaving for Connecticut where I will be living with and working for a wonderful family, the Fosters, for approximately one year. The Fosters have three children, Elizabeth (13), Wells (11), and Katherine (9), whom I will be helping to care for during my stay.

Leaving Michigan again will not be easy; however, I am confident that this will be a rewarding experience through which I will gain a deeper understanding of myself, others, and perhaps even where I am supposed to be as a teacher.

As far as teaching goes, to say I am excited and eager to be in my own classroom would also be an understatement. During my time in Chicago, as well as at the Head Start program in Jackson, an incredibly deep passion was built upon the existing passion I've had for awhile - to teach a certain population, in a certain location. I thought that pull was strong before - it's gotten stronger, and continues to strengthen by the day. A year ago I would have likened this desire to a fish tugging on its bait. Now, I think it's safe to say I feel like my heart is being submerged by massive anchor.

So why am I not teaching this year? This is where the "simple and to the point answer" challenge presents itself. Here it is.

These past two years have brought me through extreme highs and extreme lows. My heart and mind were challenged in ways I never thought imaginable. Through these times you just have to push and fight for what means most to you. I never stopped. Now that I am equipped and ready to go out I'm finding that, in order to do so successfully, I need to take some time to catch my breath. In order for me to give my ALL to the children that have caught my attention, I need to gather myself together emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Maybe it is unnecessary for me to do this, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I need to dive in with my whole heart, rather than just pieces of it.

So, am I excited about Connecticut? Yes. I'm excited to build some meaningful relationships with some great people. I'm excited to explore a part of the country that has always intrigued me. I'm excited to make connections on a professional level and pursue my career in education. But mostly, I'm excited for that passion to strengthen and for this wonderful means to lead to an incredible end.

Ode to Preschool

2009-06-25T16:33:00.001-07:00

Shoelaces and tissues
Toys that you misuse
Snotty noses and sunburns
Gotta touch that worm!

I love you, three-year-olds,
You and your incessant colds.

Four-year-olds, don't fear,
Your tantrums, I will always hold dear.

You five-year-olds, tricky as you may be,
Can never, and will never, ever fool me!

Running, jumping, kicking, screaming,
Biting, lying, falling, peeing.
Greasy, dirty, smelly, wet,
You are, by far, the messiest children I have ever met.

I love you, dear sweet ones,
Now please, for the love of God, tell us if you have the runs!
Perhaps I'll go join those nuns...

Round II

2009-06-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

3 days down, 29 to go. It's been interesting. Here are the basics:

20 children
2 IEPs
Age span of 3-5
2 head teachers, 2 assistants
2 field trips a week
2 hour nap time daily
9 hour days (for myself)
3 weeks of full control

I won't have as many technical requirements (lesson plan write-ups, unit plan, portfolio, assignments, etc); however, I will have to complete daily journals and a weekly reflection (ahmm...CAKE compared to this)

Considering the "breaks" throughout the day and the nature of a Head Start summer program, I am not left as tired as my six hour days in 2nd grade were leaving me; however, I also don't have an hour commute on 2 CTA buses and a train, in addition to never ending streams of grading, planning, reflecting, and researching to navigate. I'm missing it all, though. Probably more than anyone knows.

It will be an interesting placement. I was able to chat with the two assistant teachers today during nap time (assistant, despite a combined 20 years with the program). I'm hoping relationships can build...soon. I was fortunate before, but so far all is good here.

We'll see :)

Good Reading

2009-06-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Considering the fact that my next student teaching placement is still in the works, I am looking to snatch every opportunity I can to relax and enjoy this time of "vacation". Last night, while pondering whether or not I would go to sleep or stay awake a little while longer [it was one in the morning], I happened to glance over the books on my book shelves and was immediately drawn to one in particular. I've had this book for well over six years; however, I've never made it past the preface. The book, well written and respected by many, has always been on my list of desired books to read. Why haven't I started? The story is one that, for awhile, I did not want to hear. Yet, I still own the book. I heard about it, made the purchase, and then proceeded to tuck it safely away between some Jane Austen and Donald Miller [a likely pair, I like to think]. So, rather than pulling my pillow close and resting my eyes at one in the morning, I chose to embrace this story that, for so long, I had neglected.

The story chronicles the life and love of Elisabeth Elliot who has a story to tell that I am relatively certain I need to hear.

Below is a quick chronology of a particular albeit significant segment of her life:

1947: Jim and Elisabeth are students at Wheaton College. He visits her home in New Jersey at Christmas.

1948: Jim confesses his love for Elisabeth before she graduates. They have no correspondence between them that summer. In the fall, he decides to begin to write to her when she moves to Canada.

1949: Jim graduates and goes home to Portland. Elisabeth is still in Canada and later visits Jim's home.

1950: Jim is home, working, studying, and preparing for missionary work. Elisabeth is in Florida. They spend two days together in Wheaton when her brother is married.

1951: Jim and Elisabeth meet again when Jim comes east to speak in missionary meetings in New York and New Jersey.

1952: February, Jim sails for Ecuador. April, Elisabeth sails for Ecuador. They spend several months in Quito, living with Ecuadorian families to learn Spanish by immersion. In August, Jim moves to Shandia in the Eastern jungle to work with Quichua Indians. In September, Elisabeth moves to San Miguel in the Western jungle to work with Colorado Indians.

1953: January, Jim and Elisabeth meet in Quito. Jim asks Elisabeth to marry him. The engagement is announced. In June, Elisabeth moves to Del Rios in the Eastern jungle to begin studying Quichua, fulfilling the condition of his proposal, "I won't marry you till you learn it." They are married in October.

1955: Jim and Elisabeth have a daughter, Valerie.

1956: January, Jim dies by Acua spears.

Integrity

2009-06-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Idrealism: The state of being both an idealist and a realist to which I aspire to be.

I wrote an entire post last night on idrealism; however, as per usual, my blogging aspirations were blown when it all, in a matter of a second, deleted. I really am OK with it since I am fully aware that the post was written at one o'clock in the morning and, simply put, did not contain some of my best thoughts-put-to-writing.

I could probably write a book on everything I've been learning over the course of the last few years (you may or may not know of the reasons), but doing so would be virtually pointless considering the fact that, as of this very second, each thought is so jumbled with the next that I'M POSITIVE that the task would be absolutely tedious - probably to the point of utter exhaustion. Even writing a blog detailing my thoughts on idrealism is painful.

I'm relatively certain that there comes a point where you have to step back and take the Socratic approach to live by re-examining - re-examining your dreams, your passions, your ideals, your values, your convictions, your plans, even your hopes. I've learned that when you fail to do so, getting caught up in those things becomes second nature. It's natural to think and over think to the point of thinking yourself away from the original target, the original roots of that initial thought. Idrealism finds that middle - between crooked and straight, windy and calm, passion and reason, love and logic.

Oh dear Lord, how I could continue on this train! My coffee has yet to officially kick in, so I'm stopping here.

Herb-tastic

2009-05-28T13:42:00.001-07:00

Holly and I are growing an herb garden in my bedroom window. The garden will consist of basil, mint, and chives. The thing we were most excited about? Watching the small dirt pellets (shout out to Target's dollar section) expand in a mere 10 seconds upon being doused with 12 ounces (1 Mountain Dew can) of water.

We may or may not host our own gardening show in the future.

Goodness Gracious

2009-05-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

trains
If a train appears in your dream, it may signify that you have a need to do things in an orderly and sequential manner. Alternatively, your dream of trains may be a metaphor that you are "in training" for some event, job or goal. To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will prove to work out in the end.

school bus
In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation.

bridge
To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.

ship [freighter]
To see a ship in your dream denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious mind. [true for the moment!]

seats [on train and bus]
To see a chair in your dream symbolizes your need to sit down and take time out to contemplate a situation before proceeding. Or you just need to relax. Alternatively, it indicates that your feelings or ideas are being dismissed or cast to the side. To dream that someone is offering you a chair suggests that you need to be open to taking and accepting advice.

oncoming car
To dream that you are almost hit by a car suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with anothers.

I tend to have reoccurring symbols in my dreams, but lately they have been intensified. Quite interesting, to say the least!

10 things I am thankful for today.

2009-05-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

1. Freshly made coffee at the perfect temperature. Pure bliss.
2. Sunshine.
3. Time with my sister, my best friend, my other half.
4. Loads and loads of boxes that are demanding my attention. I like to be productive...when I have the time!
5. An impending phone conversation that I am anticipating will provide direction for the upcoming year.
6. Twinkle lights.
7. The gracious birds outside my window who are willing to provide my background music this morning.
8. The Lord's unconditional provision and grace.
9. Kleenex, Breathe-Right Nose Strips, and Sudafed.
10. The courage, spirit, and passion that so many display on a daily basis. It often goes unacknowledged and unappreciated, but never forgotten.

Happy Memorial Day.

Dreaming Out Loud

2009-05-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Taking into consideration the transitional state of my very being [hence the ever-so-subtle title], I thought it necessary to share some images that have been appearing in recent dreams of mine. I'll let you decide the degree to which they are relevant.

balance
To dream that you loose your balance suggests that you are having difficulty weighing your options and choices in some situation.

bridge
To dream that you are crossing a bridge signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. To dream of a run-down bridge, indicates that you should not contemplate any major changes in your life at this time. [Guess I don't have a choice here, do I?]

river
To see a raging river, signifies that your life is feeling out of control.

eeeeek.

And thus my May heading: Keeping Faith.