Nutshell.

Mildly wishing I had been awake an hour earlier to catch the clock at 11:11 on 1/1/11. So glad I still have a chance [assuming I can stay awake amidst my all-consuming need to regain my sleep schedule].

As 2010 drew near to its close, I had a few options lying before me. Among them, in no particular order of desire: spending time with family, a close-knit gathering of close friends, an evening of sparkly shenanigans...

This year has been one for the books [quite literally]. I've loved and lost, succeeded and failed [miserably], regularly weaved my way through three states, flew more times than my credited miles account for [ooops], gained teaching certification in 2 states, been fingerprinted twice [also in 2 states], interviewed my little heart out, taught my little heart out, cried my little heart out, drank coffee like it was my job [wish it was], dyed my hair, moved home, overcame my fear of bees, became a cat person, became a morning person [slightly disturbing], discovered boxed wine, learned how to dougie, and encountered the true meaning of the phrase "money does not bring happiness" [nor does job security, full-coverage benefits, or a 7-7 job, but I'll save that for another time].

With all this and more in mind, I chose to do the "NYE UNTHINKABLE". I stayed in. Alone. By myself.

Armed with Netflix, a carefully planned and prepared homemade dinner, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, comfy socks, pen and paper, hot chocolate, chocolate, and fresh flowers [bought by and for myself, thank you very much], I took the leap and denied all resounding desires to dance and laugh my way into the new year. This took courage.

Reflection, meditation, and I have always been three peas in a pod [up until September, that is]. Regardless of how nerve-racking it can be [I have a dangerous mind], I've missed this. You have to take time to examine where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with. A simple enough notion that I've completely neglected in these last few months. To say that I've been a robot is putting it rather lightly. I've never felt like less of myself.

A friend once advised me that to be happy - to reach a state of holistic fulfillment and peace - we can't focus on what reality always tells us. What does reality tell you? Last spring, reality whispered these little words in my ear - money, job security, full-coverage benefits, and a 7-7 job. By reality I don't mean the reality of responsibility. I mean the reality of the world - that your heart and soul mean nothing in the scheme of life, the ladder of success, and all that drives and provides our worldly possessions We have to listen to what reality tells us, but when reality begins stripping away every beautiful layer of your heart, it's time to run like hell.

I wouldn't say that I'm running. I'm not interested in running. I am, however, interested in getting as far away from the lies of the world as possible in my quest to reclaim the passion that once stood boldly at the forefront of my very being. Wow that was intense. Thank you, coffee.

What I'm saying is that I'd like to get back a piece of me that I feel I've lost.

Since I haven't had much time with my ever-faithful friends, Reflection and Meditation, I thought I'd invite them back in for a night.

If you're one to do so, please keep me in prayer. This school year has been a good one and I plan to finish it out strong; however, I'm sensing a change of direction in the months ahead. Terrifyingly necessary.

I know it's easy for some to weave through "The Roaring Twenties" fresh-faced and unharmed. I, of course, am on the path with blistered feet and tired eyes. I take comfort in the fact that lessons learned are unavoidably placed and that, simply put, I'm not alone.

I want to bake some cookies.

Happy Saturday night!

I am thrilled to say that today has been a true day of rest. Lounging and [need I even say it?] napping in some leggings and cozy socks has been beyond blissful.

Thanksgiving is just a few days away - A truth I had nearly forgotten about until I was asked whether or not I'd be attending Detroit's Thanksgiving Day Parade [Hot chocolate, chunky scarf, and Santa? Yes, please.]. So, in the spirit of all things delicious and lovely, I'd like to take a moment and remember a few of the manymanymany things I have been blessed with.

My Sister. The friendship that we have is beautiful and, to be honest, I'm often in awe of it.

My beautiful, patient, selfless mom. This woman has the most precious heart.

Lemon-Scented Hand Lotion. Mmmmm.

Hot Cocoa-Scented Bubble Bath. I'll say it again..Mmmmmmm.

Boxed Wine. No explanation needed.

Christmas Lights. They're heart-warming and classic and they symbolize everything I love about my childhood.

Dove Chocolate Wrappers. I find myself eating chocolate when I need a little boost to my mood. Props to you, Dove, for knowing this and being one step ahead of the game. My favorite recent wrapper? "When two hearts race, both win"

Laughter. It's healing in so many ways.

My Vintage License Plate Collection. I have 8. Only 8. But that's OK because there's something beautiful about taking a lifetime to discover little bits of history.

Culture. Our differences are poetic - language, religion, dress, music, art, food, dance - I cannot wait to have the chance to devote more time to discovering the beauty in cultures different from my own.

Marvin the Mouse [and all those involved in making his journey a reality]. He puts smiles on my kids' faces, and for that I am immensely thankful.

My Dream. He has kept the fire burning since I was 16. Rather incredible that I'm not there yet, but it won't be long.

My 28. They hurt, frustrate, confuse, test, and warm me daily. They are who they are, and I love them.

Love. Hope. Authenticity. Faith. Struggle. Peace. Grace. Generosity. Harmony. Provision. Chance. Life.

When did I become a morning person?

November. It's NovemberI'tsNovemberIt'sNovember.

I woke up this morning, a morning on which I'm headed to a conference (leaving my kids with a sub - AH), to a phone call from my teammate informing me that the school is closed today. Thank you, shot transformer, for the blessing in disguise. Sure, I would have had the day off too, but MAN the joy in knowing that my kids won't shoot that sub's brains out is INCREDIBLE.

Everyday I'm told the same thing -
"Man, you have a tough bunch."
"Those kids are just [insert various synonyms for 'ridiculous' here]."
"Why would they stick you with the roughest group?"
"You have your hands full!"
.....and my personal favorite.....
"Whew! Glad I'm not in your shoes!"

It says something when I went back to my desk the other day to find a folded up note from a student to me that said simply, "Wonder Woman".

I think it's safe to say that I've never, never ever, been in this position before. I've never felt so stretched, so challenged. I love my kids, but when you have 4 that are considered "severely emotionally and socially unstable", it's painful to say the least. Every day, every moment, is a brand new one. I'm finding myself constantly having to remind myself to breathe. I've figured out how to control each of the four individually and the class as a whole without one or more of them, but when all 28 are present - it's a complete toss-up. One moment might be awesome, the next a disaster when one of my 4 has a meltdown over another student accidentally touching his arm. Meltdown times are angry times. Tears, screams, grunts, stomps...

I can say this - If I wasn't being encouraged regularly by my administration with praise for the "amazing, incredible, rockstar" job I'm doing, I can guarantee I wouldn't be here. That's the other thing - I'm not doing an amazing, incredible, rockstar job. I don't see it in myself, and I certainly do not feel it at the end of the day. Somehow they're seeing it, though, and that tells me one thing - I'm not the one controlling that room. God's mysteries never cease.

I wish I had blogged more - I have so much to say. Good therapy, too. I don't know. This is just a snapshot of what's going on in my mind - the next thing being whether or not to continue on in Detroit or move forward in pursuit of the passion I still have for somewhere else. I can say this - if I can survive this year, I can survive anything.

On some good notes:

I'm doing a project with my kids where I send out our friend, Marvin [a stuffed mouse], on a journey around the world to learn about various places. He's been to Tennessee and is currently in NYC, heading next to the Dominican Republic over the holiday. I am LOVING it, and PRAISE GOD so are the kids! It's bonding them, which I'm telling you they need desperately. Such a beautiful thing. Anyways, I'm thankful to those that are welcoming Marvin in - It's incredible to know I have such warm friends, willing to help out so selflessly.

With that, my kids are getting pen pals...

....from NEW YORK CITY!

I found a 2nd grade class in Brooklyn in the same network of schools as ours that is willing to team up for the year. Again, anything to bond those kids and give them some added excitement for life.

Grammas, Power, and Doggy Tails

Right now,
Everything you want is wrong.
And right now,
All your dreams are waking up.
-- Joseph Arthur, Honey and the Moon

Feeling like I'm at a point in my journey where I need to stop and do some serious reflecting. It's been awhile.

This past week, my sister and I, along with some of our closest family members, spent some time up north for a traditional and annual family getaway. Much needed on many, many levels. So much so that I hadn't even realized how badly I needed a few moments simply to breathe - A vital gift I have been taking for granted.

One morning, while chatting with my Gramma over morning coffee (I'm convinced that no member in my family can make a bad cup of coffee. ever), I found myself trying to hold back tears while topping off my cup. The sun was shining, I had gotten a beautiful nights sleep, a day of boating was ahead, my bangs were looking awesome...why the tears? Well, leave it to the women in my life to say exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. '

What I got from that wise woman that morning is this - In these last three years, I've seen nothing but change. Every external area of my life, by choice and by force, has changed dramatically, quickly and repeatedly. When extreme life change happens to you, it's easy to forget about it once you're in the swing of new forces, especially when others take the central focus over your own needs. Story of my life.

#1. Changes. Constant, uncontrollable changes have been throwing me around like a leaf. Or a puck on an ice rink.

I'm not going to lie and pretend like it's easy for me to talk about leaving New York, my dream, behind. I don't expect anyone to understand the significance of that in my life - I'm only beginning to understand it now. New York has a very powerful force over me - a force I think only a few understand. I can joke about rebounding on NY with Kentucky, putting NY in time out for not letting go of me, and toasting NY to seven long years of exhausting joy and hope, but I'm not joking when I say that it's been hard to leave. My heart sinks when I think of how close I was, and when I remember what I left behind. A dream. To this day, if someone asks me what I want, my answer is the same as it was 3,4,5 years ago - I want to be in New York. I want it more now than I ever have (this past year has proven that to me). What I've learned is this - the answer is never that simple. What I want is of little importance and, in this case, what I want is very clearly "wrong".

#2. What I want. What I want is to never, ever give up on the dream God has laid before me. To never, ever let weaken that passion He has so abruptly and painfully burned on my heart.

What I want and what I need to do usually coincide. Very simple, no complications. In this case, however, I've seen an evolution of want to need that has severely impacted my life. For a very long time, the passion that I had for inner-city work coincided with NY. The two were inseparable [when I say inseparable, I mean no other option could even be considered]. Leave it to the Lord to separate something inseparable.

Eventually, I grew to understand my God-given passion to be centrally focused on cities [joblessness, illness, homelessness, high crime, addiction, vicious cycles, generational poverty...], and less on a specific region. You can imagine what this did to my perfectly organized and color-coded plan.

What I wanted was to go to NY. What I needed was to follow the Lord's whispers and trust that He would use my passion where He deemed necessary.

#3. The dream. To live a life of service unto others by unconditionally and actively loving those in the inner-city, be it the city I love, the city I was trained in, or city in which my roots were grown. A city is a city, and love wears no masks.

Detroit. Tricky fellow that God. If you want to chase something other than God's purpose you might as well be chasing after your own, nonexistent tail because that's about as far as you're going to get - vicious circles.

All this to say, for now I rest in peace knowing that I'm where I need to be. I still believe very fervently that my passion for NY also has purpose, a very strong purpose, but timing is everything, eh?

Until then, DETROIT. Whew!



View Larger Map

I should take a screen shot to show you my lists. They're colorful.

The first week in August I'll be up in Grand Rapids for a week-long orientation. It's nice - while we're there, we have the option of venturing out on 3 different 'excursions' in the evenings to bond and kill time - A White Caps game, a trip to a local conservatory, and an evening in Grand Haven enjoying the lake and [I believe] Coast Guard festival. I'm anxious to get to know some other new hires, my administration, and the system. I believe our planning will officially begin a week or so after the orientation. Photos to come.

Many, many, many many photos to come.

Keeping Up With The Canyoudrivethekids.

Nanny. Sitter. Au Pair.
Housekeeper. Cook. Driver. Laundress. Personal Shopper.
Need I continue?

In light of the above generalization, I now share with you that which keeps said 'hired help' sane.

Sight Seeing.


Bubble Tea.




Magnolia.


Sangria.


and last, but certainly NOT least, COFFEE.

The Motor City, Secret Rendezvous, and a Time-Out Chair

Tonight I fly home for my final round of interviews. I'll be spending 2 full days at one school (one day in a 2nd/3rd grade class and the other in 7th/8th reading), shadowing in the morning and teaching in the afternoon. On the third day I'll be teaching a sample lesson to a Kindergarten class at the 2nd school. I feel as much as can be expected: anxious, excited, nervous...

I have my Kindergarten lesson planned and ready to go. The first school, however, has yet to give me any details regarding subject components or even specific grade targets (I could be in either 2nd or 3rd)...not that this has discouraged me (I'm actually leaning towards this school). Hello, last-minute planning. It's nice to see you again.

Detroit was never, ever my plan - at least not initially. I always figured I would come back to Detroit after spending some time in a more diversely urban setting (Chicago, New York). It isn't that New York wouldn't have worked out for next year, I'm just sensing that it wouldn't be the best for me at this point. I'm not quite equipped with the things (resources, finances, knowledge) I would need to be successful in New York. Of course faith, hard work and passion would carry me a long way, but what it comes down to is that it isn't about me and what I can do - it's about doing what's best for those around me. If I stayed in New York, I wouldn't be able to give to the extent that I had always wanted to. It isn't about the buildings, the culture, the history, the environment...while I love ALL of that, my focus needed to shift. If my focus is what I've claimed it to be, then it shouldn't matter where I am. It does matter, but it shouldn't to the extent that I've held it.

It's so hard being in the city, knowing that I've come so far only to turn back around and return to the original starting point. Melissa and I were in yesterday and, I'm telling you, I still haven't made peace with it. My mind and heart knows what's best and where I'm being called to go, but it's as if my heart is having a secret rendezvous with the city while my mind isn't looking! Risky little thing. I was 17 when I first proclaimed, loud and proud, that NYC would be my future home. That's 7 years of planning, dreaming and scheming to sort through. I guess I can forgive my heart for hanging on to something so tightly. I still think it needs a time out, though.

Here's to hoping I hear from principal 1 today regarding tomorrow's details. I can't be held responsible for what might happen if don't have adequate list-making time.

Stalking, Toy Stores, and Doggie Parks

Melissa had a hot date in the city today so, of course, I join her for a little moral support and some gold, old-fashioned stalking. Aside from the rain (which, I am learning, does not have mercy on the short hair), the day was pretty spectacular! (I'll let you decide whether that can be said for her, myself, or the both of us).

While Melissa went to join her fella for an afternoon brunch, I made my way over to H&M in search of some teacher/interview clothes. Goodness gracious did I have luck! A little tooooo much luck, if you ask me. (I may or may not have went on a toy store spree last week in the city, as well. No shame.)

Thanks to Google Maps, I discovered that the one building I have always, ALWAYS, wanted to get up-close and personal with was only a few blocks from the area I was in. You think I was excited? While Melissa was still wining (Sorry, Melissa!) and dining with her date, I decided to go on one of my own. I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Flatiron - reason # 685 why I love this city (and probably why I'm single).

The first time seeing my favorite building. It was love at first sight.

Pretty sure my breath caught in my chest.

We had a great time getting to know one another.

Such a beautiful thing. I'm a big fan of that neighborhood, Union Square, and of these cozy little places:

Dinosaur Hill, East Village

Enchanted Toys, Upper East Side

And I leave you with this:

I would LOVE to have a dog in the city, for this very reason: Taking her to doggie parks :)

Making Apple Pie

The other day I went back to some of my old blogs, back to the days of MySpace, Xanga, and dare I say it? LiveJournal. Oh yes, I went there. What in the world was I thinking?

I've always known that I've had a bit of a problem with confusing the line between idealism and reality, but MAN! This is all I can say: I'm relatively certain that 96% of my posts mentioned New York City. Ahmm. Normally I wouldn't spend time writing about this, but when I discovered that it was roughly 7 years ago that New York first seeped its way into my head, I couldn't resist commenting on it. 7 years is a long, long time. So, here is a little something I would like to dedicate to my faithful, old friend. My friend that kept me motivated, encouraged, confused, frustrated, and sleep-deprived. My friend that emptied my already-small wallet, cluttered my brain with useless facts, and likely convinced my closest loved ones of my insanity.

Here's to you, New York City, for helping to mold me into the woman I am today. I leave you with this:

New York, New York

To you, I pop the cork.

You've been faithful, kind

To you, I once dedicated my mind.

Times, they change

My sights are seeing a new range.

Fear not, sweet Apple

For you will always be on my map-ple.

Close to my heart, you will always be

On your streets is where I once found the key.

Years and years, you have been

A goal, a dream, a trusted friend.

Will I ever pay your outrageous rent?

A pretty-penny on Metrocards spent?

Perhaps, maybe, someday,

I will venture to move across the Bay.

But, until then, I will see you Monday.

My stomach is growling.

It's probably about time I update this guy.

Here's the thing - I'm still somewhat in this whirlwind of transition, so I'm finding that the details are still kind of hazy.

In general, everything has been going better than expected. I don't want to go too in depth, but all in all, the Foster's are great. They respect and appreciate me to the point that they're going out of their way, on a regular basis, to bridge me with connections that could help my teaching career next year. They treat me like the teacher I am, and value my knowledge and input to an incredibly high degree. They're genuinely nice people, and I'm thankful that we have such an open, honest relationship going.

The kids are...kids. The oldest, Elizabeth (13), is a typical pre-teen and has an incredibly sweet heart. The youngest, Katharine (9), is active and sporty, yet still manages to be alllll girl. She's adorable. Then, of course, there's Wells (11). He has a diagnosis that puts him on the Autism spectrum; therefore, life in the Foster house is always a bit interesting. He's a sweet kid with a lot of passion - very intelligent and perceptive. It's been great experience, even after only a few weeks, working with Wells individually, as well as within the dynamic of his relationships with others (especially his sisters). Patience, time management, conflict resolution, problem solving...These are things I could never learn enough about. Anyways, the good moments are outweighing the bad :)

One of my first nights here, Melissa and I met some of her friends for a barbecue on a beach a few towns over. When we walked up to the spot where we were going to sit, we noticed that, across the water (the Long Island Sound), the New York City skyline was visible. I can't explain what I felt - It was just so incredibly strange. I wasn't there, I was here. I wasn't beneath the buildings, I was beneath the trees. I wasn't in my comfort zone. Instead, I was in a place where objects are things to be desired, and status is something to be gained. I was frustrated and terribly sad. Hurt. What had I allowed myself to do? Why had I chosen to be here, and not there? No one could have thought me a bigger hypocrite than myself.

It's really hard for me to balance this passion of mine with what I feel I am being lead to do. My heart aches to be in a certain environment, yet I couldn't be more far from it at this point. And yet, I'm here with complete peace. Complete peace. I rest assured that I'm hear for a reason or two, and that becomes more apparent to me with each passing day. You wouldn't guess it, but this truly is the strangest thing that's ever happened to me.

With that said, I'm learning. I'm learning how to accept what I'm given with a grateful heart, and to do so with the understanding that there is a time and reason for things that, God forbid, I may not understand at the time. Sounds simple enough, but I think it's so easy to say we've gotten things mastered when, in all reality, the knowledge has never been tested. We like to think we're smarter than we really are, don't we? Try getting hit with a death in the family, divorce, illness, a deviation from the "Five Year Plan". We're not as strong as we think we are, either. If we were, where would be the need for reliance? At the same time, though, we've all got a strength in us that exists unconditionally. A beautiful paradox.

I'm rambling at this point, but I can say one thing - I never, in my life, have felt a deeper desire to be submerged in urban ministry and teaching than I do at this very moment.

By the way, how exciting is it that fall is here? Pumpkins, orange Mums, falling leaves, apple cider, cinnamon coffee cake candles, sweaters and hoodies, the smell of the heat in your car...so great.

:)

100 Piece Cookie Cutter Set and Peanuts

Two incredibly blog-worthy moments happened to me today. They are as follows:

1. While browsing the shelves of a local thrift store (props to you, thrift stores, for your consistent support and supply to crafters and creative minds everywhere), I stumbled upon a find unlike any other. After passing through seas of silverware and fields of frames, the "find-to-end-all-finds" was there, glowing like a nugget of pure gold. What was it? What was this "find-of a century"? A boxed 100 piece cookie cutter set. Two words: Preschoolers and Play-Dough. Alright, I guess that's three.

2. [Clears Throat] I am officially a registered student at Bank Street College, Graduate School of Education. You know how I know?
Username: 234503
Password: It's a secret.
I also know that students, under no circumstances, are allowed to bring any nut products onto the Bank Street premises due to severe nut allergies. Insider information.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am.